weary as water

every time i blink i have a tiny dream

boxed in

don’t get me wrong – i had a good time last night – but i don’t think i like being an adult and having conversations limited to death and taxes and things to do. i’d rather stay a dreamer who dreams of taking freight trains on my next vacation, an idealist who isn’t afraid of quitting my job and moving across the country. there’s a certain pretensiousness that comes along with drinking martini’s that doesn’t lend itself to thinking outside the box.

don’t get me wrong – it’s not that i don’t *care* about death and taxes and todo lists – it’s just that i think there is so much more to talk about.

i just finished reading the jungle by upton sinclair, and highly recommend that each and every one of you start reading it today. the whole story was heartbreaking – the story of a naive immigrant family who came to america in search of the american dream – and who were beaten and starved and maimed and killed and raped and pillaged along the way. i know that the conditions of the factories have improved since the early 1900′s, but i wonder about the conditions of today’s immigrants who are chasing that same american dream all of our ancestors chased.

what makes someone illegal? webster’s says “not according to or authorized by law”. i say – no person can be illegal. we are all illegal. the law is only as good as what you make it, and the fact is that “illegal immigrants” are more engrained into the functioning of our society than i am. my job can be outsourced; what i do is not especially important or groundbreaking and i’m pretty sure the world could live without another grumpy IT worker. but physical labor, the kind of hard work that most baby boomers (or any generation since) have never seen, that sort of labor cannot be outsourced to a penny paid worker living in another country answering phones with an accent and calling himself george.

the law is only as relevant as you let it be.

waves

i have this friend who tells me that i am too hard on myself. i hope she’s right. otherwise i really am just biding my time, waiting for TheMove that is still a few years past the horizon.

i am not happy here. when i say “here”, i mean both here physically, in this town that makes me more of a cynic every day, and here physically, in this body that is not where i want it to be and this mind that is often cloudy even though i have not done anything illicit in years, plural. i am not where i want to be, but most days i at least try.

the death wave is going around at work again, and it makes me tired. tonight after work i took the long way home and i saw a perfect picture – a crane and a lightpost reaching high into the sky, sitting on top of a red harvest moon. reached into my bag and the camera was dead. fuck.

a new pawn shop has opened up at the intersection near the pointless rotting lamppost. the sign hanging above the shop is crooked, and the logo is a leprachaun smiling over his pot of gold. not a place i think i’ll be hanging out any time soon.

em is away at a scholarly geek fest. i am actually quite proud of her, and quite happy to be alone for the weekend, but i still miss her.

the new jason molina solo lp arrived today. it is everything i thought it would be – haunting and melancholy and so good that i turned off the a/c in order to listen to it more clearly.

records and love

the dog days of summer are in full effect, and it seems that the world outside my window is moving extra slow from having to cut through the humidity that won’t fall from the sky, no matter how hard i try to coax it down with my mind. it’s hot outside. so hot that i think i could probably fry an egg, although i’m not going to buy a carton of eggs just to test that theory.

i’m still in love, and i still love records, although the two feelings are usually kept separate. in the instances where they are equal, well, i try to keep that to myself.

it’s during the slugishness of summer that i realize i am not the person i want to be. i need to read more, write more, meditate more. i need to study even though i am far removed from that ivory tower. i need to take less for granted.